I'm going home. It sounds so simple when I say it but it's been so long and complicated to happen and be able to book this journey that it was like being on a very emotional roller coaster ride. I had planned last year to go home at Christmas and when I got my job in October I found out that it could not happen. I was pretty disappointed...actually sometimes it was kind of hard to hold back the tears but I did. I then planned to go home in May until I found myself in a place I was not sure I would ever escape from. I'm on a journey to a better place now and have finally been told that I can go on holiday. As soon as I booked the tickets my heart and my steps were lighter. There is the slight disappointment that hubby won't be able to come but he understands this need.
I guess this need comes from needing my mum and my dad to take care of me. I have never felt so far away from home as much as this year. I want to be their little girl again. It's also partly to comfort them and let them know that I am getting better. Of course they have not seen their grandson for over a year now and well Skype isn't the same as a real hug. They have had to watch his growth and development from afar. I want to take him home and show him off and let them see how proud I am of him and how proud of him they should be too. The bonus of having babysitters and a break is really just an added plus....honest!
I'm not fooling myself though. After all the initial excitement I know that there will be demons to face. You see I left Jamaica for a reason. I had always felt so claustrophobic at home and never comfortable in my flesh to be the real me. A lot of my insecurities started from puberty when I suddenly found it easier to live on the outskirts and what I had always thought of as true friendships were maybe not as strong as I realised. Thinking of a beach holiday at home in Jamaica has never been the same as other beach holidays, it matters how you look and how you present yourself, and if it really didn't that is the assumption I have always lived with. I managed for so long with these insecurities and only now have I faced them that I feel maybe I am comfortable in going home and relaxing and spending time with friends.
Of course I am also dreaming of that first patty with an ice cold Red Stripe.