A mum and a wife and sometimes just me

Monday, 11 July 2016

Carrying the guilt

I'll admit that I really don't want to miss any part of my children growing up. I am not even talking about the milestones of rolling over, first smiles and walking and talking. Ironically the pressure then is less as they have no expectations of you to be a part of it. The wee man though has entered a new era of firsts that I have found I don't really want to miss. School has a lot to answer for as they like to mark every occasion and then add how they would love to see you there. He also expects mummy and daddy to be there. There was the school Christmas Play and it was his first school sports day, then his class did the school assembly. My heart breaks at the thought of missing any of them and the door opens to some serious mummy guilt. 

He came home with his part to the school assembly and dutifully practiced every day. He was counting the sleeps. I had to work and was quietly crumbling inside that I was not going to get to see the live performance. I was pretty grateful when my shifts changed at work and I could get the time off. Admittedly I had a few tears in my eyes throughout the performance. I was proud to bursting at how confident he was to say his lines. Gone the days when he would break down into tears and just want to be by my side. 

I know that I probably won't be able to be a part of all the new experiences and the learning. You hope that they understand and sometimes I will probably be more upset about it than them. It's been impossible to ignore so learning to carry the guilt has always been  and seems to always will be part of the job. 

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