Feeding the Diva

This is the type of post that sits in your head but you are not quite sure how to write it, much less give it the right title. The thing is my breastfeeding journey with the diva has been a very large part of my journey as a second time mum. It started the same way like with the wee man, positive. She presented as a good feeder, we had a good latch, all the right things were being said. Yet a week in and I was being told again - the baby has lost too much weight - the baby is still not putting on enough weight. Tired enough from the lack of sleep during the night, craving for whatever rest I could get during the day I had again to express and top up feeds. Thankfully at least this time half an hour of expressing actually produced something. I cried as I could not believe it was happening again. I can't explain that feeling of defeat when you think you might have to give up breastfeeding. As ready as I was to accept that I may have to offer the Diva formula it felt "bad". That's why personally I can't watch videos which shows how natural and "beautiful" breastfeeding is supposed to be. Great if you appreciate and love all the artsy photos of mummies breastfeeding as it is no longer my cup of tea. For me and many other women I met it was hard work. So many stories of sore and bleeding breasts, difficulties with the latch, babies not putting on weight. Sometimes there did not seem to be a specific reason and there certainly weren't any straightforward answers! I joined a group run by my local children's centre and went every Monday. It's probably what got me through those first weeks and here I am a year later still breastfeeding. I am actually here with a Diva who refuses everything except the breast and finds it the best form of comfort but her "attachment" to me is a whole new post! I gave myself time limits... I can do this till 3 months.... Ok I can do this till 6 months. Yet it was constantly meeting other women who too really struggled with breastfeeding that got me through it. Sometimes it just felt like she would never finish a feed and no I don't miss constantly waking throughout the night as sleep deprivation was crazy real for me.

We did both get more confident at it and now that it's not a life sustainer a mum can relax a little. Latching and positioning are finally a worry of the past. Actually the question I get greeted with now is when am I going to stop. Being proud of how far we have come and squeezing those thighs and thinking "gosh this is from my hard work" has maybe made me a bit sensitive of the subject. It's a shame there needs to be any sort of hashtag about normalising breastfeeding because how else is my diva supposed to eat. That part of breastfeeding being natural makes sense as that's what breasts were made for. It's really noones business how you choose to feed your child so I don't take part in the whole breast versus bottle debate. I made my choice though and battled to see it through so when I hear of anyone having an issue of women breastfeeding in public it does pain me. I mean I lost ownership of my breasts long ago, they don't "pop" out when she wants to feed and if you see anything sexual about me feeding my child then you have a problem. I thankfully have never had a problem.

When it comes to parenting your child everything is up for debate and judgment, breastfeeding just one of them. Breast is best or breastfeeding makes your child smarter. There will always be different ideas of what is public and private and people sway in their argument depending on the topic. People will have different comfort zones of how they breastfeed in public. I'm heading back to work and probably leaving my breastfeeding journey behind and thankfully leaving this debate behind. I know though that the diva will give me plenty more to think about and plenty more debates to join in as she has a huge personality and I am sure she will continue to try and get the better of me!

The milk saga

I was surprised when after giving birth to my wee man that on the ward I was one of the few women who was willing to give breastfeeding a go. I'm not a fanatic about it or anything but just thought it was the best and cheapest option to at least try. Saying that I was never breast fed. My mum was quite clear that she did not like the idea of it at all. I was ready to try and new it was not going to be as easy and natural as I had always thought before being pregnant but I figured I did everything I could do prepare myself (now I am not sure you can ever really prepare yourself for anything to do with raising children!). The wee man actually latched on straight away when he was given to me and the midwife said I probably don't have anything to worry about as he looks like a good eater. I was obviously cursed from the moment she said that as it all seemed to go downhill from there!

I did get much amazing support during my stay at the hospital and I was really so bored there that I could not wait to get home so after the first night even though I could have stayed another I asked to go. Hindsight is an evil thing and now I think I should have stayed and been a bit more proactive in getting some support.

I did not have any typical problems with breastfeeding really except that the wee man would cry constantly and only settle on the breast so I was breastfeeding all the time. It did not hurt and I was told that he was latching on well. I certainly seemed to have enough milk as well as it was poring out of me. I did not really start to worry about it all though until I was told that the wee man was not putting on the weight that he was supposed to. He was also a bit jaundiced bless him. I started to stress and I ended up having a midwife come and visit me pretty much every day. It did not help that it was a different one all the time. With all the suggestions though things just were not getting easier for me. I was starting to probably not be the best mum ever at this point. I had a wonderful supportive health visitor who did direct me towards breastfeeding support but it just never changed anything. 

My wee man was using me for a comforter. He would pop himself onto the breast and well just fall asleep. So I would take him off and then came his tears. I started to express and he actually appeared to take the bottle. Well sometimes anyway. I don't know, the best way to describe it is like he was a snacker between these big bouts of sleep. He never settled into this pattern of how many hourly feeds. I was just stressing. Evenutally I started to formula feed.

Yep I hear some of you tutting. Trust me I still feel a wave of guilt when I tell people I only breastfed for the first two months. My excuses never seem to fly really and even writing it now I am not sure I have explained really well how difficult those first two month were for me. The thing is even on formula it never really improved. He never drank the amount recommended on the tin! I know every child is different and I know children won't starve themselves but no first time mum will accept this no matter how many times she is told...well at least I did not. He never really seemed to cry when he was hungry so I was always left guessing. Once we started weaning I started to quickly drop bottles! Thank goodness he liked his food.

I started to offer him his morning milk with some porridge or weetabix and that thankfully went down well. In the night before bed I was lucky to get an ounce down him so I just stopped pushing. So much for finding it difficult to give up that last comfort bottle!

So if you have reached the end of the saga my toddler does not like to drink milk. I got desperate and tried to put some chocolate in it once but he even made up his face over that! He LOVES cheese and yoghurt so I offer him loads! What do you do if your toddler doesn't drink milk?