Glossy memories

I would often read stories of mum's reminiscing about the baby days and how it all went too fast. The sleep deprivation was part and parcel of the "job" and could be treasured as more time spent together. Don't rush your little one to grow up as it's time you will never get back. 

Nope they have truly glossed over the memories. Maybe it's the unconditional love that makes us forget the reality of it all. The first year with my Diva was hard. Sleep deprivation was real and had a real impact on my daily functioning levels. It didn't seem like a phase with an end in sight. 

I didn't enjoy my late night dates with Google. I was scared of the stories that told me I just had to accept my lot, even worse the stories of those still experiencing the same scenarios at age 2 and 3 years. We co slept pretty much all of the Diva's first year. It wasn't rosy snuggles but a baby latched onto my breast for comfort as the only means of surviving the night. It's tiring and draining not beautiful. I tried every trick in the book to make it easier. You try to be strict with yourself to follow things through but at 3 in the morning with no sleep you just do what works to get you some sleep. What sounds like sound advice during the day is distorted nonsense at 3 in the morning.

I lost interest in the debates of what was best for my baby girl. Making a rod for my own back and all that, I was also not particularly following any philosophy of attachment parenting or reading the baby whisperer. I was managing from day to day. The day times had the baby stresses as well. She screamed at any idea of her milk coming from a bottle. So I could never go that far as she was pretty indiscriminate about when she wanted a feed. I then probably became a part of the problem as I became nervous about leaving her anywhere with anyone else worried about how they would manage.

I found a job and things had to change and I think she must have realised it too as suddenly things started to change. My job involved nights so it started there as my husband had to be able to settle her at nights and she actually responded very well to the changes. One change led to another. She settled into nursery a lot easier than I feared. They could settle her down for a nap without a boob then so could I. She may or may not sleep through the night but we will usually only have one wake up call. She LOVES whole milk and will drink bottles of the stuff meaning family can now settle her to bed and not just me. After 13 months I actually had an evening out on my own with friends.

Writing this now I can smile. Time suddenly seems to be moving fast. She's still my Diva and pretty high maintenance. Suddenly the first year though wasn't so bad and I am beginning to gloss over the memories, a little bit at a time anyway.

What are you watching now?

It can be a bit boring the blurb about how fast children grow and wanting them to slow down. It’s just that it seems to happen without you noticing it and you can’t help but wonder where the time has gone. I guess as we are living it we just don’t notice it until one day you realise you are no longer watching CBeebies but programs on CBBC. He is outside in the garden climbing to the top of the apple tree before you have even had a chance to start risk assessing the situation. He is telling you all of the things he is learning at school and you suddenly realise it’s the end of the school year. You take him to bed at night and suddenly he is reading you his bed time story. Singing “twinkle twinkle little star” with a cuddle suddenly seems too “babyish” now. I can watch him from a distance now playing with his friends; he suddenly looks so tall and hardly needs me now. We will be at the park and suddenly he has made a friend all on his own. A play date now means you can actually sit down and have a cup of tea while the children entertain themselves.

I sometimes refer to him as my baby and he says "Mummy I'm not a baby" but I tell him "you will always be my baby!"

Saying goodbye to baby centre

At the start of my first pregnancy I joined up with Baby Centre, read books and probably underlined and made notes. I was getting prepared after all. It's funny to look back on now.....I honestly had no idea what I was getting into. I still parented pretty much like a headless chicken the first couple of months but lucky me and the wee man finally relaxed about it all and the wee man and I fell into a happy routine. Baby centre has followed us all the way through and so it felt like a milestone when on his 5th birthday I got my last email! It was one of those emails that I used to religiously read, then on the odd occasion then it would mostly get deleted. The email itself started to get less complicated and detailed too. He is no longer my baby, no more a toddler and has said goodbye to preschool status. When I had the diva I quickly forgot what it was like to just parent one and it wasn't until recently that I realised what parenting just a five year old was like. The Diva was settling into nursery and the wee man and I could spend the half term together. It was well easy, not perfect, but the wee man has definately grown up. So many things you no longer have to worry about.... Naps, snacks, having lunch at specific times. He is no longer as quickly distracted and we sat together having the nicest chat and lunch at the café.

Parenting the wee man has changed. The why questions have become a lot more difficult now. He is so busy absorbing and learning new things that he impresses me everyday. The kiss shop has supposedly closed but we get lots of big hugs. So I am happily saying goodbye to baby centre but he will always be my baby anyway.

The age of comprehension

Here we are edging closer to the big number 3 and what a year it has been for my wee man. We have seen lots of changes with potty training, moving to a big bed, increased in number of words and speaking in two languages. The closer we get to the 3 the more subtle the changes and the more difficult to explain. It's like he absorbed all this stuff that I did not even realize was happening. Experienced mums will probably know what I am talking about. I guess it is probably written down in a child development handbook somewhere.

It's no longer about how many words he is using but how he is using them. We have proper conversations now with lots of what and how questions, thankfully I am still waiting on the why. He initiates the conversations as well and he is not just answering in a response. His imagination of course has also gone wild and he takes his toys on the most amazing adventures. It amuses me how difficult I find it at times to enter this imaginative world and it can sometimes feel tiring and hard work for me yet so simple and fun for him. He is starting to figure out friendships and wanting to play with others and not just beside them. His interest in new toys has grown such as puzzles and simple games and he is slowly trying to figure out his numbers and his letters.

With this his understanding of situations is better and that seems to make the tantrums a bit less as you can actually try to explain things to him now. Waiting is not as stressful as before. Of course you still can't always win a debate with an almost 3 year old and I am still trying to choose my battles wisely. I'll say 3 and he will say 4, I say yes and he says no.

The other day he explained it all quite perfectly himself. "Sono un bambino." "Sono un bambino molto bravo."

Looking forward to 2014

It seems unfair not to mark the fact that 2013 is ending and 2014 is soon beginning. So many different feelings at the end of this year than last. It holds so much positivity that it seems unfair not to put it into words. Usually I let the photos do the talking but I'm on holiday and I don't have my photos of the past year with me to draw and reflect on.

Life settled down in Spring when I finally found a job that fit into my new work life balance motto. Work got busy after the Summer but it was good and positive and I was always there for my family. It's funny though that just when things settle down they go a bit stir crazy again. The focus of my family has been a lot around me for the past few years so it's nice that the focus is now on hubby. He has been doing so well with his work and research and has now started a new job with hopefully better opportunities. So yep the New Year is going to see us up and moving down south (well it is technically North but you know south of Scotland) to Sheffield. We have had a few visits and scoped the area out and are hoping that by Spring (something about that season it seems) we will be settling happily into a new environment.

It has not all been easy saying goodbye to Daddy on a Monday and then not usually seeing him till a Wednesday night. The wee man's behaviour showed how he struggled with this new set up and every moment with his Daddy suddenly became extra special. Even now he checks that Daddy is coming back.

Change does not scare me (or maybe overwhlem me is a better word) as much as it used to. I am hoping to live a bit more in the moment over the next few months. That is thinking of a years plan rather than that ok admittedly scary 10 year plan. I really hope to find a new job that still fits into that work life balance motto and that my wee man settles into a new environment and finds new friends. It's a lot to think about and plan but we are doing it positively and that again is what I hope 2014 it is all about.

2014 more about looking forward than reflecting too much on the past. After all there is a whole lot of family love here!

The changeable season

It's the changeable season.

Glimpses of sunshine, showers, and rainbows.

An added bit of spice with the colours

and cold hands playing with the leaves.

The wee man is coping with his own fair bit of changes.
Growth spurts.
More words, conversations, never ending babble of stories.
Big imagination.
Pushing boundaries.
Big bed,
Potty trained.

Wellies,

Jumpers,

Jackets,

Waterproof trousers,

You are the season that draws us closer to the earth.
Mushrooms, worms, snails, sticks, mud, water, leaves.
We even sometimes bring bits of you home with us.

Fresh and crisp you tempt us,

We breathe in your sensations, 

Dance in your playful light.
You really know how to blow the cobwebs away
and inevitably draw us outside.

The days get shorter.
Time has become more of a treasure.
With you we learn to embrace the change.
Take it all one step at a time.
Stop for coffee and cake.
Smile and laugh.

Autumn you have marveled us!

I'm joining in with Older Mum (In A Muddle) and her beautiful seasonal linky One Week. A few words and photographs reflecting our experience of Autumn 2013

All change please!

Tonight I sat with my wee man as he had a bath and together we sang "Twinkle Twinkle little star". It really does feel like the end of an era. So many little things have been happening together that it suddenly feels like one huge change. My wee man has officially left all signs of babyhood behind (except that damn dummy! mind you) and is now a proper boy. He himself wavers in between when he considers himself "too little" and being a "big boy" but most of the signs point in the big boy direction.

This weekend we finally just packed up the cot and had him sleeping in a big boy bed. Having had opportunities while being away to sleep in a big boy bed anyway it was a natural change really. For months he has been physically able to climb in and out of his cot so the only thing keeping him inside it was his actually willingness to sleep! I never had to dress it up or make it interesting either he just went to bed one night in it and well the end. So with that a lot of boxes came out of the storage cupboard and away went the big changing mat that was hanging about in a corner and his little walker that actually still got used when we had visitors around.

I'll be honest I'm not quite sure when we stopped using the high chair. He quite happily sits on his knees now and eats his dinner at the table. We have tried to get him to sit on cushions but he is not interested in that and moves about constantly anyway so is happy with this arrangement. It was I guess the same as just deciding to stop using a sippy cup and getting him to drink from a regular cup. These regular changes that just happen naturally.

When he was a baby changes seemed so huge and I always wondered when he would start doing certain things and when this or that will happen. As he grows though they come on so hard and fast you don't really have time to stop and think about it. We are having these big conversations now and he is able to retell stories about his day. He remembers things that happened days sometimes even a week ago. He is getting more physical and agile and showing less fear. He really is my big boy and makes me so proud.

Marking a moment

There is so much I could say about my wee man turning two and a half. He has changed so much in this half year alone. There is an amazing constant flow of words that just seem to grow and grow as the days move on. From one word sentences to whole conversations. To say he makes us laugh with his little statements is an understatement. 

I dreaded the potty training days and now here he is running around in his big boy pants with no need for mummy to worry at all. One day he just seemed to completely accept that he now did his business in the potty and that was that. It was like a hurdle mummy had to jump over more than anything else. 

He is so agile that I'm thinking I might have a gymnast in the making. Of course the list of things that I think he is going to be is endless. Like I am seriously impressed how high he is able to jump, what he loves to jump off and over. He is getting pretty good at catching a ball and also has a pretty impressive kick. 

His curiosity is endless and it's constantly "What's that mummy?" or "What you doing?" He has certainly shown he has quite a stubborn streak and we have great "fun" trying to convince him that he can't always get his way. He abounds with energy and just never seems to stop. 

He still has those moments where he can be quite shy and takes things in his stride. Not a lover of huge crowds he's still the one voice you are most likely to hear in the playground. Sometimes it's hard to keep up as he will love doing one thing one month and it will all change in the next. He loves being outside and making a mess when painting. His love for sticks and stones never seems to change.

He is my fun and cheeky monkey. He knows how to drive me insane and he knows how to wrap me around his little fingers. He gives the best hugs and has a smile that melts butter. I'm just loving every minute of him.

The positive me

My journey started what now seems like a while ago but yet remains so fresh that I still take each step slowly and don't want to look too far ahead. I catch myself thinking sometimes that maybe I'm being a bit over confident, what if I write something positive and then it all goes down hill again. Anyway here goes.

I'm not sure at what point I decided that I needed to start looking for work again. We decided it was still important that my wee man continued at nursery and he was there for 3 days a week. I always managed to fill my days but it started getting a bit difficult to justify. Obviously financially we were losing out but we tried not to make that put any pressure on any decision that I made. I know I would have never gotten to that point without talking to someone. I had done counselling before though and the whole process of having to think it through myself and not just get the quick fix answer frustrated me. This time though I was in a really scary place and it bubbled up and spurted out and talking helped. It helped me through the muddle and to find some perspective. I never thought I could see any positive in what was happening but counselling helped me to see that I was not failing and giving up. I was struggling and needed a change and needed to move on and I was learning a whole lot about myself. It was okay to take the time to find myself again. 

I'll never find the perfect me but I will settle for the positive. The healthier less negative me. I sometimes still feel overwhelmed and my initial instinct of panic hits me. The place where I am now is that I am able to catch myself before the fall. I know a bit more of what I want and a balance that can make me happy.

I love being a mum. I knew that going back to work had to be part time. I had to find a balance that suited me. The days I have with my wee man are very important to me. I have a job that is 3 days a week and 9 to 5 and I'm not bringing "the baggage" of work home with me. 

So here I am not charging ahead but moving forward and hopefully being continuously positive.

Your Second Year

This week we are preparing for a special day for my wee man. I'm trying not to get too emotional but boy is it hard! It's hard because he has grown and changed so much! Go on...see for yourselves...

You hear it over and over again and I will say it too...treasure every moment as they grow too fast!