The positive me

My journey started what now seems like a while ago but yet remains so fresh that I still take each step slowly and don't want to look too far ahead. I catch myself thinking sometimes that maybe I'm being a bit over confident, what if I write something positive and then it all goes down hill again. Anyway here goes.

I'm not sure at what point I decided that I needed to start looking for work again. We decided it was still important that my wee man continued at nursery and he was there for 3 days a week. I always managed to fill my days but it started getting a bit difficult to justify. Obviously financially we were losing out but we tried not to make that put any pressure on any decision that I made. I know I would have never gotten to that point without talking to someone. I had done counselling before though and the whole process of having to think it through myself and not just get the quick fix answer frustrated me. This time though I was in a really scary place and it bubbled up and spurted out and talking helped. It helped me through the muddle and to find some perspective. I never thought I could see any positive in what was happening but counselling helped me to see that I was not failing and giving up. I was struggling and needed a change and needed to move on and I was learning a whole lot about myself. It was okay to take the time to find myself again. 

I'll never find the perfect me but I will settle for the positive. The healthier less negative me. I sometimes still feel overwhelmed and my initial instinct of panic hits me. The place where I am now is that I am able to catch myself before the fall. I know a bit more of what I want and a balance that can make me happy.

I love being a mum. I knew that going back to work had to be part time. I had to find a balance that suited me. The days I have with my wee man are very important to me. I have a job that is 3 days a week and 9 to 5 and I'm not bringing "the baggage" of work home with me. 

So here I am not charging ahead but moving forward and hopefully being continuously positive.

Friday gone

Last Friday, Friday gone I officially became a stay at home mum. Well the end of my sick line from work is over anyway and having handed in my resignation that is the end of that part of the journey that I have been on. It was by simple coincidence that I chose to go that afternoon with the wee man to Glasgow Green. You see when he was first born we used to live next to this park and go walking there all the time. Then it was all about looking toward the future. When would I feel like I had the energy to go back to work much less start looking for a job? I would see children playing in the little play park and think that soon that would be me and the wee man. Often the children would run around chasing the pigeons that always gathered by the river fighting the geese over pieces of bread and I would wonder if my wee man would do the same. Well here we are in that future. I did eventually get that job that did not work out. My wee man though now excels at playing in the park and no surprises that he tried his best to catch a pigeon.

A journey

This is a long post with no funnies so you might want to look away now. I have actually debated a lot with myself about writing it. When hubby heard I was writing something he actually advised me not to blog it...people can be judgemental he says. I said that people can also be supportive. The point is I have always felt comfortable hiding my emotions and sharing only what I think people want to hear with the fear of being judged. I am learning to be in a place where I am comfortable with myself that that judgement is not so important. This blog is about me and so here is a little piece of me getting a little bit personal.

It's about a journey, a journey that I have taken recently. A very difficult journey that has changed me so much that I am not sure how much I recognise myself any more. Change for the better I might add, change I never new was possible because I sure can be stubborn. Yes there is lots and lots of the old me still right inside there *poking at my chest* and maybe I should be saying that I have not so much changed as grown. Yeah I know this sounds cheesy but it's like a flower blossoming, enjoying the sunshine. 

Fourteen months ago I gave birth to my beautiful son. I felt a whole lot of love but I also felt a whole lot of fear and trepidation as I entered into the whole new world of motherhood. I wanted to be the perfect mother, the perfect mother who needed no one. The problem is I have never been a mum before and babies don't come with instruction manuals. I think even if I had done this amazing parenting course where I felt so prepared, I know that nothing could have prepared me for holding real life in my arms. A small, dependant, baby boy who I knew needed me. In those first weeks it was just me and daddy and baby and it was hard. The midwives felt it was important to come nearly every day in those first few weeks but it did not help that each one tended to offer different advice none of which seemed to make a difference anyway. I struggled with breastfeeding and I was struggling as a mum. My son has a great dad and he's a great hubby and with a good health visitor offering support I managed to find my way through. 

By 6 months I felt it was time to start finally looking for a job having been unemployed for so long. I was struggling just being a mum and I did not want this label to completely take me over no matter how much I knew I loved my son.  When I was offered a position as a Social Worker with a local council I was over the moon as I was actually getting to use the degree I had worked so hard to get a year before. It was hard at first and as everyone said I thought it would get easier. It was the best for all of us. It wasn't just the constant late nights it was also the heavy emotions I was bringing home at the end of the day that was just gradually wearing me down. Slowly it got difficult to get motivated to get up and go in the mornings. I usually managed to skip lunch and was just eating a lot of crap. I went to a training session and we had to think about what we did to have time for ourselves and I could think of nothing. I was feeling sick and tired.  I think there is a saying that goes how can you help others if you can't help yourself. Eventually I was sent home from work and went to my GP where I was signed off work with stress.

That GP appointment was scary but such a relief as I felt I had some space to breathe again. I have a great GP which really helps and she has really listened to me and given me mini counselling sessions every time I have seen her. On the first visit when she mentioned medication I honestly started to cry. It suddenly became so real to me that something was wrong. I now had to go and tell my family and it took a lot of time before I could even admit it to my friends. It should not have surprised me that everyone was supportive. The worst person judging me was myself. Getting healthy was also not just about taking this little white pill. I have started speaking to a counsellor once a week. This was a battle in itself, really opening myself up. I am now really concentrating on speaking openly and honestly with everyone. I am learning to nurture my friendships with others as I can't go on trying to do everything on my own. It's been really important to me to spend time with family and when they offer me support, say yes.

Here I am 3 months later. I am still off work. I tried to go back after 5 weeks but when I arrived at the office I was fighting so much panic that it was hard to keep the tears at bay. I was not ready and now I am not sure if I will ever be ready. I know I want to work but I had to admit to myself that this job was not for me. The battle for me was to admit this and realise that it did not mean I was failure. I have never before not seen something like this through to the end, never thought about giving up a job without other options in the wings. That is another big part of this journey to admit that it's not about giving up, it's about learning and admitting that some things are not meant for me without being ashamed.

For a long time I have not had a pretty image of myself and I am still working on that. I have had a lot of negative thoughts and emotions swirling around me and I guess being a new mum, starting a new job, being a good wife just finally brought it all to a head. What it's meant is that I have finally admitted and confronted the negativity. I'm getting better, I'm recharging my batteries. This journey though is far from over and being open about it actually makes the journey a lot easier.

Mummy at work

I was going to entitle this post excuse me but I have to work as I guess some sort of an apology for the lack of anything on my blog recently. The thing is is that I do have lots of thoughts and want to get lots down but well.....mummy's at work. I guess it takes time for anyone to settle into a new job, accept that the first few weeks you might make some mistakes and then you figure things out get on a roll and before you know it you've been working for a company for a few years...well it usually happens something like that for me anyway. Now though I am a family of three and work life balance has become hellishly complicated. 

It's not about struggling with the early mornings. 

It's not about fighting over who get's the car. Though I have unfortunately found out that without car my job is close to impossible to carry out.

It's not about being overwhelmed with work after only 6 weeks on the job.

It is a little bit about having to work late most nights and sometimes having to tell work I'm sorry I can't because I have to go pick up my son. Hubby will soon be more flexible with his time though so that will make that part a little bit easier.

It's a lot about missing my son and all the lovely time we used to spend together. He loves nursery as well so I don't really have that guilt. I actually don't feel guilty about working because it's good for me and keeps me sane. What is the saying? The grass is always greener on the other side. 

Mornings, Evenings and Weekends

To put it short and sweet, mornings, evenings and weekends are now the times that matter so much to me as I have been back to work....ooooooh....for all of a week and half. The first morning was probably the hardest as you can't figure out in your head how you are going to get everything you usually get done as well as get yourself ready for work and out the door in time. As hubby and I have worked out how to play tag team this aspect has certainly gotten easier. I am trying not to think too hard about the days when he has to travel for conferences ect. I can always go to work a bit smelly or maybe come down with a really bad flu! 

Work has thankfully gotten pretty busy pretty quick so I have not really spent a lot of time clock watching wondering what he is getting himself up to at nursery. I do notice very quickly though when the clock hits 5 and I am out of the door like a shot. The first day I literally ran home to spend time with my son. I am not looking forward to those days when I know I am going to have to go in early and work late. I know with my job as well that it is only a matter of course before this starts happening. God bless flexi days!!! 

Our first weekend...well that just went by too quickly. Before I knew it Monday was knocking on my door. 

My son is possibly tired now of all the extra hugs and kisses and constant reminders that "mummy loves you very much". Never mind that he has really settled well into nursery and he probably has more fun there than he does at home. I'm sorry I'm just not ready to do painting with a 7 month old. Thank goodness he is at least happy to see me or hubby when we go to pick him up. When he comes home he is absolutely shattered! Then mummy is like no it's time to play some more? 

That's what happens when mornings, evening and weekends matter so much. 

To blog or not to blog?

Yes that is the question. Recently I joined the netmums blogger network and got a badge. Then I started following some parent blogs. Then I found out about britmums and well as you do I joined up. I started not only following blogs of interest but left comments too. I even joined in a meme!!! You see they say that is way to get people to find out about your blog and if your lucky they might start following you (hmmm that's yet to happen). I did at least start getting more traffic though. I finally found out what SEO meant, learnt that people where going to conferences and even getting awards. Everyone was writing to get noticed. I have talked about the pressure that put on me already. Blogging is not supposed to be about pressure though is it? You see I notice now that a lot of the blogs I enjoy reading suddenly start doing reviews of all the fancy products they get for free in the mail and tell me about how good it is...yeah I know...this review is in no way influenced by the marketer. That's the power of blogs these days, it's great for advertising. Then you get memes, linky's or whatever you want to call them. I could probably find one for everyday of the week and never have to write a personal post that I thought of myself again.  I started to follow a lot of new blogs and it's amazing how very quickly they all follow this vain of advertising, linking, facebooking, twittering all in the name of getting noticed but unfotunately for me I personally feel they lose out. Their voices drift as blogging seems to become a job and a way of living....professional. It can be to the point where followers get hooked, begging for more. Readers can actually become quite demanding with expectations of what you are going to tell them and maybe deservedly so cause we bloggers put them there.

I started back work this week and well I just never really could find the time to blog. Actually I probably could but somehow just did not feel compelled. You see I found myself racing home to spend time with my son as time suddenly became this valuable commodity. Friday came and I knew I should be putting on my Friday song choice...but that was just it...the only song that came to my head that morning was about a little green frog that went hmmm hmmm as I stuck out my tongue and made my son laugh. Saturday I usually find a funny picture of my son to post so others can think up a caption but instead I just wanted to live those funny pictures and not worry about what others thought of them. 

To blog or not to blog? yeah I will be honest I want to blog and I do want others to read it. I have little moments where I have thoughts that I want to get down and share. It's a release and it feels good to express myself. I'm just going to do it differently now. So it may not be everyday, once a week or once a month as recommended to keep my readers (who are very limited anyway) enthralled and happy. It will be just enough to make me happy and maybe embarrass my son for when he is older.

Back to work shades of grey

So it's official, I will be a working mum in the next 3 weeks. I am now seriously experiencing back to work shades of grey. You see I am not really feeling blue or am I really feeling a red, orangey, yellow colour. I want to go back to work and for my sanity I probably need to as well.  Stay at home mums...I salute you! The thing is though I am great at saying I want some mummy time but when it's offered I immediately think of a reason why it's probably better if I stay with my son. At the minute I am only really comfortable leaving him when I know that he is tucked up safely in bed. Now I have to leave him for the WHOLE day. Yes I am not just going back to work part time either...full time 9 to 5. That is what I hope as well cause I have just got a position in social work so the likelihood of having to do overtime is very well likely! It does not help that for various reasons I have been out of work for a year. So I am not exactly going back to a job that I know everything about. This is my FIRST social work job....eek! Then this is the cherry on top...it's in a field of social work that I have NO experience in. At the minute I don't even have time to feel the guilt cause I am seriously feeling the nerves. 

I'm not feeling sad and I'm not feeling happy more like inbetween.