The unnatural mother

I never saw myself as a mother. I was not sure what made me decide that I wanted to have children. I'm still not sure how that feeling comes about or how to even describe and explain it. One day I was looking at other mother's and thinking I want to do that. Is this what people describe as a maternal instinct kicking in? I can't really say that it was exactly the right moment to have a child either. I mean is there ever really a right time to have a child? If it was maternal instinct it never took what I was doing with my life into consideration. It kind of just shouted at me YOU WANT A BABY NOW! Also bearing in mind that it is not a simple oh I want a child in February so we have to have sex this day so I conceive on this day and give birth on this day. I remember very well the waiting game, getting a little bit more frustrated as each month passed me by. Then let's not forget that my wee man was a little impatient and decided he wanted to come 2 weeks early.

I don't think I was overly prepared for the birth even considering all the classes I attended. It took me ages to realise I was even in labour. High pain threshold apparently. Ha! I did not really have too many expectations and was quietly hoping for the best. You just know at some point it has to come out right? If you dwell too much on it you just think whatever happens it is possibly going to be quite painful. Our bodies technically know what they are supposed to do as well? Yet things can go wrong and sometimes apparently woman don't exactly get the support, empathy or even compassion they were expecting. I never thought I should feel lucky to have a quick and easy labor but listening to stories I feel I should.

Motherhood never came naturally to me. Quickly forgotten where the days I was lying about desperate for one...go figure. There are a hundred and one books around of how to care for your baby and most give different advice and they all claim to be right. I made a big mistake by actually reading some of them. Then you have mother's on different band wagons promoting their said cause. Breastfeeding opens up such heated debate in any social media and I'm afraid I was not a natural at that either. I found motherhood a lot of hard work and it took me a long time to find my own motherhood feet. I knew I loved my son and I was lucky to have a supportive husband who is THE best Dad. After a while I realised maybe that was all I needed. The one natural thing about being a mother that got me through and keeps getting me through till today and hopefully for tomorrow. Everyday though a new idea is popularised on how best to raise your child, make them smarter, make them leaders. I'm just proud when I make it through a day where my wee man has not watched television for the whole day and when we have fun together as a family with no arguments (ok, seriously who has days without an argument).

No one could have told me what it would be like. Now I listen and I do take advice but I know no one can really tell me how to be a mother. It comes from a place within me that I'm still not that sure about. I broke a lot of rules already that I was not planning to break at the start. I find the politics of motherhood scary at times and how quick people are to point, to blame. It's hard to debate about motherhood and not at some point find yourself on the wrong side or overly defensive. I chose to be a mum though and admittedly I love it and that really is all I can say.